I have a very busy day today, therefore I’ll be scarce. I’m leaving some “extra sweet” Kool-Aid for those interested. Play nice, try not to break anything, and – Please! No Spitting! LOL
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Relationships and Beginnings
“We love because it is the only true adventure.”
— Nikki Giovanni
I’m truly not very good at beginnings. Perhaps it’s because of my intense and passionate nature, or the fact that I’m a moody ma’fucca, whatever the reason, beginnings with me are difficult, to put it mildly. I used to think that I made beginnings difficult on purpose, as a way to avoid contact, but that’s too simplistic. Fact is I’m not “normal” in any sense of that word. Therefore, getting to know me is, like, “never a dull moment.” LOL My values, perspectives, worldview, etc., are quite outside the norm, so to “begin” with me is to enter uncharted territory. A no-man’s (woman’s?) land in the war of the sexes complete with hidden traps and land mines (oops! LOL!).
In addition, like most people (no, you’re not that unique), I have trust issues compounded by a subtle fear of abandonment. So sometimes I misread signs and say, “Fuck this, I’m outtie.” In other words, I can be very insecure in the beginning. Once I become comfortable with the trust factor, everything is cool, but in the beginning, I’m ever vigilant, weighing words with actions and seeing how closely those two are in alignment. Don’t get me wrong, when it comes to affairs of the heart, I love openly, caution thrown to the wind. As far as I’m concerned, it’s the only way to love. However, that doesn’t mean I’m stupid when it comes to my heart. After all, in love and war, discretion is the better part of valor.
But I do love openly, completely, without fear. I can go there to that place no one wants to go. In fact, that place is my playground. LOL You know the place I’m talking about: that place no one can go – that secret garden where your inner girl patiently despairs for her love.
Yeah, that place…
I believe that if I were to hold you for a lonnnnng time, I could make everything all right. It’s a fantasy, for sure, but I like it. By the way, I will get hard if I hold you long enough, so tread carefully, lest I sully “kitty” with my “passion.” LMAO!
But I digress! I believe that’s the other reason why beginnings with yours truly are so difficult: I’m open. There’s no game here. Well, at least no trivial game. I put my cards on the table, attempt to communicate clearly, and just put it out there. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no bull in a china shop, I can be very subtle, but I am clear and it has been my experience that people in general don’t like clarity. On the contrary, most people seem to go for the muddy waters of ambiguity where it’s easier to disguise the unlikable parts of ourselves. It’s like fucking in the darkened corridors of our shame.
So yeah, beginnings for me are difficult. I’m good at middles and damn sure have enough experience with endings, but beginnings? I dunno…