There seems to be a nasty rumor going around that I’m white! LOL Seems that many people don’t understand what it means to be a Puerto Rican, so I may have to repost that blog.
First, let me just point out that my blog is open. Anyone is welcome to come here and agree or disagree. For me, closing the comments section to a blog that addresses other people or public issues is the epitome of moral cowardice. An individual who closes dialog in a public venue is afraid of dissent or of being challenged. In other words, if you choose to talk out the side of your neck, but can’t handle someone calling you on your bullshit, then that’s being a bitch-ass nigga for real.
I laugh because it’s funny, but it’s also sad that a grown man came here (360) yesterday and couldn’t write a complete sentence. In retrospect, it’s not funny, especially considering that there too many people of color not educating themselves..
Lastly, some people took exception of my use of the word nigger (nigga). I will say that if the word offends you, then delete me — no hard feelings. As a person of color, and a Latino, I will call it as it falls. In addition, if you’re black and you think you can pull the race card on me by using racial epithets and think I won’t call you on that shit, then you’re sadly mistaken. I’ve seen too many people of color here and in real life, use racially charged language and then get bent out of shape when they’re treated in kind. I am a Boricua, you will not find any form of white guilt here. So if you want to go there with me, don’t go crying to the co-dependent cows that populate your page and bawling about “racism.” That shit doesn’t work here.
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The Challenge of Relationships
Okay, so many of you know that I repeatedly stated that I’m not all that great in the relationship arena. Something happens when I realize I’m feeling deeply for a woman and how painfully clear it is that considering a relationship is a lot like standing at the abyss and jumping. In other words, along with feelings, there comes the realization that I am also becoming vulnerable to that person I have feelings for. And that’s not a great revelation for me because, I have to admit, it’s scary.
There, I said it: relationships scare me.
It’s not a fear of commitment, that’s not it. I have and can commit to living with another person. The part that’s fearful is the part of being vulnerable. Believe me, there are plenty of people who are in committed relationships who choose not to be vulnerable. It’s not that hard. You can be in a long-term, committed relationship and not really share deep intimacy. I see it all the time. But because of the kind of person I am, when I open and give, it’s about going…
That’s why I’ve mentioned that beginnings are extremely difficult at times with yours truly. If I’m seeing you and we both know there’s a surrender happening in the near future – we’re both feeling these feelings and we know it’s headed somewhere – then I’m not holding much of anything back. I’m not saying that I’m blabbing everything out by the third date! LMAO!! That’s codependency, not love. I am saying, however, that I work at being transparent. I don’t play hide and seek. If I’m feeling something, I will look you in the eyes and let you know, “Sweetie, I don’t know how or why, but I’m starting to have these feelings… ” I won’t play The Game. The one thing you can always count on with me, is that you will always know where I stand (sometimes this is not such a good thing, especially if I’m hurt *grin*)
Sometimes I think that I’m too transparent or honest for my own good, but that’s how I roll: I put my cards on the table and lay it out as I see and feel it. Some women like that, but there are others who will use that. Those who would manipulate my transparency don’t last, because, shit, I’ve been around the block a few times and I’m a veteran of the Love Wars for longer than even my tired eyes could tell you. I’m not going to let you use me that way. I’d rather go home, curl up in a fetal position, and ride the hurt until I’m done with you.
Still, there’s a lot of anxiety around opening up to another in that way. What helps with me, is basic reassurances. I’m like a kid in many ways. Something simple such as a hello or a show of affection goes a long way with me. It’s ironic because those things can be easily faked to some degree, but if I’m getting the attention and shows of affection, I’m not as anxious. Some women don’t like men like me, but it’s who I am. A kiss, a note, a surprise fuck, even just a tender smile soothes me and lets me know that, though there aren’t any guarantees in life, you’re there and you’re somehow saying that we’re moving forward – that you’re there with me, feeling me.
In other words, I need tons of affection! LOL!
You see, I’m really not all that complicated. If we were together, all it would take is that you throw some food at me, pay lots of attention and some sex here and there, and I’m straight.
I’m only half joking. I guess what I’m saying is that relationships aren’t easy and there is a lot of me invested in such ventures. I’m also saying that a couple needs to reassure one another, especially in the beginning, when things are not so clear. Sometimes what makes the difference between having Mr. Right as opposed to Mr. Right (now), is how you open up to that person.