I was waiting for my friends to pick me up yesterday and I realized that the last thing I wanted was to be surrounded by friends and their competing agendas. So I decided to stay home by my self.
Today is the Puerto Rican Day Parade and, as in every year, I suffer through this inner battle of whether to go or not. Over two million people including some of the most beautiful (non-surgically enhanced) women in the world will attend.
That is certainly a tempting consideration. The last time I went to the Parade, I came away with a torrid summer fling. And considering recent events, a summer fling certainly would be welcome. LOL!
* * *
You’re not answering my messages, so I’m reduced to putting it out here. I know you read me… so here goes:
“We introduced two strangers,
pulling cautious strings
a carefully constructed rapport.
Never enough for our selves,
how could we be enough
In light of recent developments, some of which have been eye-opening for me personally, I’ve been reflecting on the very human impulse to deceive. It has been brought to my attention that there are significant holes to the story of your Africa blog. Moreover, your response itself gives me pause. Still, I can’t bring myself to believe that any sane individual would use the horrific suffering of the children of the Sudan as a way to get attention. Any person doing something like would be suffering from some form of pathology.
Almost everyone that knows me even a little knows I have trust issues. As you know, a large part of that stems from my childhood, but later adult ones reinforced my childhood experiences. If I were to allow cynicism to win over, I would say that as humans we suffer from an inner impulse to deceive. And to a certain degree, it is true: we all like to put up a façade – a presentable veil – so that others don’t see the less desirable aspects of ourselves. We all deceive to a certain degree. We all wear masks, and sometimes we can’t pull off the masks without tearing off some skin in the process.
For most of my adult life, my response to the issue of trust was to close down – to “protect” my heart. However, shutting down never accomplished anything other than to strangle my humanity. So today, I try to practice living with an open and enlightened heart.
The point being that we all create this story of who we are and we sell it to the world. But what happens when we drop the masks? Can we drop the act? What happens when all the deception, the lies become so ingrained that we start to believe them?
I find it hard to believe that you would go to the lengths people are accusing you of, Emily. I can’t say I know you, but we have spoken many times and even shared intimacies. It’s no secret I have strong attraction for you. But I would never allow my attraction for an individual to get in the way for my quest for truth. I try to live my life as transparently and honestly as I can. I do this not because I am virtuous or principled, but because what little sanity I can claim depends on it.
I’m open and when I give my heart, there is no holding back. Sometimes this leads to some funny tragedies. And at times people have tried to take advantage of this, but it never works, because love starts with me, Sunshine, and I wouldn’t debase myself in order to be with someone.
Ultimately, those who try to hurt me or take advantage of my openness, only end up hurting themselves. Yes, I may hurt, you might be able to break my heart, Emily, but my heart has been broken a million times, it’s nothing new. In fact, it will very likely be broken again. Let me just say that being able to feel is something I am grateful for today. There is no greater pain than the numbness that comes from closing our selves off. I know this for I lived with that numbness for more years than even my tired eyes could ever tell you.
There are contradictions to some things you have shared with me privately Emily, none of which I will repeat here. I am on record as stating that I give you the benefit of the doubt. As someone who has shared with me intelligence, kindness, and vulnerability, it’s difficult to see you as a pathological liar, as some here try to paint you. It’s hard for me to reconcile the Emily you have allowed me to know with the very sad possibility of your trip to Africa being a hoax as well as too many other contradictions.
Mostly, I don’t want to reflect on what this means regarding the things you have told me, the month-long string of messages you left me while you were gone. The eloquently expressed passion, the desire to get to know me and for us to meet.
I know that there’s a lot of behind-the-scenes sexual maneuvering on Yahoo, and I have witnessed the tragic spectacle of women here scratching each other’s eyes out for what turns to be worthless men. Therefore, I take everything said here with a grain of salt. Still, Emily, there are things that don’t match.
And I wonder…
I’m here to say that all of that really doesn’t matter, Emily. All that matters is that we – all of us, not just you and I – remain true to ourselves and to those we cherish as friends and lovers. Whatever the truth is, the only thing that matters in the end is that we strip away the defenses. Whatever the truth of the matter, if we’re honest, we can forge a new life based on our innate beauty and truth.
Even if you were to admit to not being truthful, I would not turn my back on you. That’s the kind of friend I am.
The sad part of all this is that if we were to love ourselves – even those parts of ourselves we’re ashamed of, or don’t like so much – our natural beauty would shine. I call you “Sunshine” as a term of endearment not because of some (non-existent) perkiness, but because I believe I have glimpsed a radiating inner beauty. The question remains whether this is a vision or a deluded projection on my part.
Whatever… the truth of the matter is that you are loved for who you are deep inside, not anything else. Not the trip to Africa, not anyone you have met here, or what you do. I believe that you’re beautiful and worthy of love as you are right now…
“So here we are together…
whoever we are.
And that painful process
must begin before long
The desperate struggle
to get back to
who we really are
without losing each other
along the way.”