Today is the Gay Pride Parade here in the Center of the Known Universe. I’ll state it here and offer my support to my Gay and Lesbian brothers and sisters. To my inbred, repressed brethren who are against gay marriage? Well… I would submit that if you’re against gay marriage, the simple thing to do is not marry one…
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“Love and guilt cannot coexist,
and to accept one is to deny the other.”
— A Course in Miracles
Feeling guilty is just another way to rationalize the behavior that defeats your happiness. Feeling guilty is an indulgence – a selfish and warped way for you to continue beating yourself into the insanity of committing the same actions and expecting different results.
I once offered forgiveness to an individual who had wronged me and her initial response was to tell me how it cut her to the heart. She went on how nice I was (I’m not), blah blah blah. Her eventual response was silence. Years later, I ran into her by chance on the street and she began to cry. She told me that she had just come from her therapist and that she had been talking about me – about how she squandered what could’ve been something special and beautiful. How she always pushed what was good and decent away. She was so beside herself, all I could do was give her a hug and assure her everything would be all right.
I have a funny feeling I’ve become the subject of too many therapeutic sessions. For the record, I don’t want to be anyone’s therapist. All I want is for you to wrap your legs around my waist in lustful entanglement.
The sacred offering of forgiveness is about allowing someone to take advantage of you. Few people know that forgiveness – true forgiveness – must be first offered to one’s self before it could be given away. Once you forgive yourself, you come to the full realization that there is no “other” to forgive. In a twisted way, forgiveness is probably one of the most selfish of acts.
If you commit a wrong against me, my interest is in helping you grow out of that mode of living. Most people would rather continue to feel guilty than to actually grow. True growth is the process of becoming willing to have defects of character removed. It’s not even about having them removed! It’s about becoming willing to have defects of character removed! When you become willing, you shed the guilt and start doing the work. Lying, cheating, dishonesty, the whole cast of character defects – become fodder for your growth.
Yes, I lied to you, this was why, and I want to stop. And I because I love you, I want to work with you so that we can become truly intimate and loving.
When you feel guilt, you’re in the grips of your ego. Guilt isn’t about anyone else but you because only your ego can experience guilt. Guilt will always disrupt your growth, will always sabotage you, and will always cause you to repeatedly make the same mistakes.
You will be treated like shit, because guilt demands that you’re treated like shit. You will meet assholes who will defile you because your guilt demands it.
The end of your guilt will never come as long as you buy into the notion that there is a reason for it. For you to be released from guilt you must first learn that guilt is insanity; it always is and always has been and will always be. Guilt has neither reason nor rhyme.
And here’s why:
Guilt asks only for punishment and punish you will be – always. You will be punished and be lost in the world of illusions and shadows. The Ex from Boston wants to be punished. She doesn’t understand kindness. She’s not too different from many women (and men) I know. Be nice to them and they will run away. But if you want them to call you, or to fuck them, treat them like shit and they will be blowing up my phone begging to be punished. Of course, my idea of punishment is fucking her in the ass.
I can’t do that – I’ve never been able to do that – to manipulate fear and guilt for sexual gratification. It isn’t worth my peace of mind. Like other women I know, the Ex from Boston replays the scene: she disappears for a little while, suffers some more, and then somewhere in her mind, she remembers the light and calls me.
She suffers a lot. As do many of us… Maybe one day she will come to the realization that she does not have to suffer needlessly. I do not know. All I can do is keep an open heart.
A mind without guilt cannot suffer. Your freedom — indeed, your very salvation — depends on your escape from the prison of guilt.