Sunday Sermon (Yo Momma! and Evolution)

¡Hola! Everybody…
I love
disagreement. In fact, I think disagreement is really cool. I love when an individual who has taken the time to understand my position disagrees with me. The thing is this: if you show no evidence that you understand my premise then you cannot disagree.

Let me repeat: If you don’t understand something, you cannot disagree with it.

And no, cutting-and-pasting cherry-picked studies without offering your synopsis of said study does not count as an intelligent dialog. It’s actually quite stupid. And the irony is that those who practice that shit the most are often the same assholes who rant about the stupidity of others in their blogs.

* * *

-=[ Yo Momma Was Cosmic Slop ]=-

“If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, in a state of civilization, it expects what never was and never will be.”

— Thomas Jefferson, 1816


Among those who have relatively large fore brains, there is no longer any doubt that the scientific theory of evolution is true. If you want to get a grasp of the intellectual status of our nation, stop blaming the children and note that an overwhelming number of adult Americans are sadly ignorant of evolution. For example, it is quite possible that our next president will admit publicly that he or she doesn’t “believe” in evolution. That’s a lot like saying that you don’t believe the world is round, or that you still believe that the universe revolves around the earth.

I have a solution: I propose that any elected leaders hostile to the science of evolution should be denied any of its benefits. Shit like vaccines and other modern medical findings.

I’m only half kidding.

One of the problems is that people are having a hard time conforming outdated creation myths with scientific facts. Maybe we all need to take our cue from the Dalai Lama who when confronted with the question, “What if science were to prove certain Buddhist beliefs wrong?” answered, “Then Buddhism would have to change.’

But you know, backwoods neocons needn’t fear evolution so much, there’s a lot in it that they could embrace. For example, if you have sinned, or if you feel seriously flawed as a human being, evolutionary theory can be your salvation! Just place yourself in the story of evolution, the history of all life, and you will immediately note that no one among us is to blame for who we are. The theory of evolution says you were created out of the shape-shifting stream of life as it danced its cosmic dance with natural phenomena. You did not choose to have your consciousness, your senses, or your instinct for language anymore than you chose to have thumbs! It’s not your fault…

Can I get a witness?!!

We are all human beings. I know, I know… some of these humans voted for Palin, seriously challenging the theory of evolution, but they can’t be faulted. Perhaps they’re relics of a bygone era, I dunno. We are all human beings (most of us), and we’re a very young species — a new kind of animal — an animal figuring out how to be an animal. The body that you and I inherited broke away from the rest of the primate crowd only about five million years ago — a mere second in geological time. After the creation of the Great Rift Valley in Africa forced our ancestors to swing down from trees of the jungle to live in the tall grasses of the savanna, life must have been difficult. Among those who were hanging out at the time was an ape-woman scientist call “Lucy,” considered to be the mother of us all. Actually, in scientific terms, yo mama was a bacteria, or some gooey primordial slop. Yeah, I said it: yo mama was cosmic slop!

Anyway, after living on the ground for a bit, our ancestors began making tools and in the process, they became a subspecies of human called homo habilis, or “handyman” (no, I don’t think “Joe the not a Plumber” descended from this species). What happened then was that these handy men and women started standing upright more often, probably to fix a leaky roof, or screw doggie style, and we became known as homo erectus, or “upright humans.” Once fully upright, the porno era was ushered in with mass full-frontal nudity. Four-legged animals don’t have to worry about clothing because their privates are covered by their stance. Standing up, put our cocks and va-jay-jays right out front for everyone to see, and no doubt this led to underwear.

More importantly, standing up triggered a rapid increase in brain size. Standing up, left our hands free, and after we stopped playing with ourselves, we realized we could manipulate other objects, so we started using tools, which in turn created the need for far more brain connections in order to coordinate the more precise movements of our hands and fingers. In effect, a feedback loop was created: better hands, bigger brains, bigger brains better hands. Pretty smart that fuckin’ Mother Nature!

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that neocon fundamentalists don’t need to fear evolutionary theory because it offers us template for a new spirituality based here on earth, not some Pie in the Sky bullshit. In a way, the Jews got in wrong: we are all chosen in some way. We are chosen to participate in the creation of an evolutionary spirituality. How you act and whether you use your brain or not makes you an actor in the on-going evolutionary drama. You inform evolution and vice-versa…

Or not…

Love,

Eddie

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