Hola mi Gente,
When I was at the peak of blog writing several years ago, the Friday Sex blog was one of my favorite activities. There was a lot of interaction between myself and my readers and it was fun getting private questions from people curious about a wide range of sexual subjects. There were even some professional (and nonprofessional) models that would send me photos (as in the one below) to post on my blog. It seemed to me that those sex blogs epitomized the community-building and interaction that blogging is all about.
So here goes, the return of the Friday Sex Blog. If you have any questions or subjects you would for me to explore, please feel free to let me know. I promise to respect your anonymity if you so desire…
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The Futility of Goal-Oriented Sex
Too often sex resembles a contest. If there ever was a metaphor we need to do away with, it has to be the “war of the sexes.” In a patriarchal, zero-sum society, where the mentality of “winner takes all” prevails, it is no wonder that sex resembles a race. What should be something pleasurable and intimate instead becomes who can have the most intense orgasm, who can “do” who, who can suck better, or last longer, etc. It is absolutely startling…
One of the consequences of this mindset is that sex becomes something people do mindlessly, a transactional release often committed in the darkened corridors of their shame. What would happen to the simple of act of touching, for example, if we took the goal-oriented mindset away from it?
What if a man or woman touched you simply for the sake of touching?
What would it feel like if your lover bathed you with no expectation? Imagine being caressed for a long period of time, being bathed, towel-dried, massaged, pampered, touched, looked at, explored sensuously, lovingly, intimately — without sex being the endgame.
What would that do to your comfort with intimacy, touch, and nudity — to have your lover drink in your body with his or her eyes like that? Just for the sake of looking?
The first casualty of long-term relationships is often the loss of sexual expression in the form of excitement, playfulness, spontaneity, and seductive touching. Perhaps we all need a re-orienting toward pleasurable sensual feelings. Without sensuality there is no real sex, and without sex, there’s no genuine intimacy. Emphasizing a creative-type exploration, in a relaxed, psychologically safe, non-goal oriented manner, sensual pleasure becomes a path to sexual healing or re-awakening.
Lovers develop assumptions (often based on misconceptions) and fall into ruts, creating awkwardness or an obstacle toward asking for a different type of touching.
Try the following exercise (if you don’t have someone to do this with, I will gladly volunteer. Kidding!).
Exercise: Non- Genital Exploration/ Pleasuring
For this exercise, one partner should be the giver and the other the recipient. Interestingly enough, many men feel less comfortable as a receiver.
It is important before beginning to sit down and talk for a little while — perhaps over coffee or a small meal. Some might prefer a drink, but keep in mind that alcohol is a sexual suppressant. Recall an experience when you both felt close and intimate. Express this feeling.
Gradually, allow your partner to caress your hands. Notice the differences in size and texture. Hands can communicate a lot.
If you choose to shower, experiment with different types of sprays and temperature. If bathing, try a new bath oil or soap.
Soap your partner’s back, caressing it as you do. Trace the contours of the muscles with your fingers, gently massaging. Do the same with the front of your partner’s body. Soap his or her neck. Skip the breasts and genital area for now. Soap your own body. Take in your lover’s body as if you were looking for the first time.
Slowly, gently towel your partner and then move to the bedroom. The room should be comfortable and slightly dimmed. You should, however be able to see your lover’s body. Have some soft music playing in the background.
Have the recipient lay face down. The recipient has three tasks: The first is to be passive and receive pleasure. The second is to keep the eyes closed throughout the exercise so as to be able to concentrate on the physical feelings and sensations. The third is to be aware of what parts of the body and what types of touch are sensuous.
The giver’s tasks are is to provide the recipient with a variety of experiences that help increase awareness of sensual feelings. The giver can enjoy trying various types of touching and experience the body in new ways. The emphasis here is on exploring rather than arousing in order to get somewhere or prove something. The point is to feel comfortable, to enjoy the experience. Feel free to allow your creative energy to flow, embrace playfulness, be innovative. These are guidelines, not hard and fast rules.
Begin at your partner’s feet can caress them. Pay attention to the details, as if you were a tourist and your venue your lover’s body. Take notice of the texture of the skin, outline the counters your lover’s body with your fingers. Caress the nooks and crannies, the curves, and valleys. Gently massage, moving from the feet up to the legs, stopping to pay attention to all the details. For example, pay attention to rubbing the soft spot behind the knee. Examine and explore the thigh. Look for the little places you have never touched before. Massage the buttocks, some people carry baggage in this area because of its association with defecation, but the buttocks is one of the most sensitive and sensual areas of the body; they comprise an erogenous zone of a multitude of nerve endings.
In this manner, explore the whole of your lover’s body and when you have finished, switch roles. This is not a tit for tat game. The focus is on enjoying, exploring, touching, learning, comfort, developing trust, and sensuality. Because talking takes you away from bodily experiences, it is best to do this silently.
After, sit together over a cup of tea or coffee, and share your feelings and experiences. First share positive feelings and then express what might have felt problematic. Try to maintain a positive ratio and see the negative not as blame, but as a bridge to a closer intimacy.
My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…