Hola mi Gente,
I created and facilitated a relationship workshop for people in substance abuse treatment. However, I am single and have been single by choice for quite a few years now. So I guess you should take anything I say about relationships with a grain of salt. LOL Still, I think there is something for everyone here…
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Love as Remembrance
Es tan corto el amor, y es tan largo el olvido/ (Love is so short, forgetting so long)
— Pablo Neruda, The Saddest Lines
Yup. You read that right: the Big “L.”
The word many of us are scared to admit to even when we’re feeling it in the very fiber of our being. Some will go for most of their lives and hardly ever utter the word to those they most love. It’s even scarier in romantic relationships. We worry, panic, and go all strategic:
What if I tell her I love her? Will she reject me? Will she use it against me? Will she think me to clingy? Will she say he loves me too? And what if she doesn’t say it?!
Yup. The Big Hairy Nasty “L” Word.
More often than not we are afraid to say it. Or if we do say it, we play semantics with it. We draw distinctions, for example, between loving someone and being in love. Apparently, there is a difference. No, I’m not that dense. I realize that when people make that distinction, they’re pointing out the difference between the attraction of the feeling of love and actually committing to it and letting it flower.
Or maybe not. Maybe it means something else, I really do not know and I do not really care. I call bullshit on that nonsense.
I tend to complicate matters so I have to keep things simple in order to retain what little sanity I can claim. For me love is an action word, a verb, it is something you do. When I say, “I love you,” it means I’m going to work at loving you. It means I am committed to loving you by acting — by my behavior. That means that I will attempt to accommodate your feelings, be considerate, protect you, make love to you, compromise with you, do the things I know makes you feel wanted and valued (and yes, probably drive you to distraction, but it is a package deal). That’s partly what the Big “L” word means to me. When I tell you I love you, it means I’m walking alongside you on this journey called life and all that claim implies.
So, I don’t know if there’s a huge difference there for me between love and being in love. For me it’s like being pregnant: I have never met anyone who was half pregnant. I have never heard a woman say, “I’m pregnant, but not in pregnant.” That’s why I stopped making that distinction. When I love, it’s with my soul, nothing held back, caution thrown to the wind. Believe me, in this very life it’s the only risk worth taking. Of course, it doesn’t mean I ain’t shitting in my pants the whole time because, yeah (duh!) it’s fuckin’ scary opening up like that.
To make matters worse, I become unbearable because sometimes I really want to sabotage the whole thing and in that way not have to do it. I jump, then in midair, I’m screaming like a bitch because I’m thinking: GODDAMIT why do I do this shit! It is the same feeling I get every time I reach the first apex of a good rollercoaster ride. I’m like… Fuck! And yet I still take the risk because when I get old and finally outlast my usefulness residing in some decrepit nursing home where the nurses won’t wipe my ass for hours, I don’t want to be lying there in my shit full of regret — regretting that I didn’t take the risks. In the end, these risks — these excursions into what I call unreasonable happiness — are the only things you can take with you.
A personal truth I have discovered regarding love is that it will enter into any mind that actually wants it. Our task is not to seek love, but instead undo the barriers that we erect against it. I’ve heard it said that love waits on welcome, not on time. When you accept love, you will see nothing else. If you could agree with me that love is in part a form of sharing, then how can you find it except through itself? I say, offer it and it will come to you because Love is attracted to itself. Offer hostility, neurosis, or contraction and love cannot co-exist under those conditions, for it can only live in an open space committed to freedom. Many people say, “I want love.” I say, take out ego (I) and desire (want) and what are you left with? We often say, “I am angry,” or “I am sad,” but we never say, “I am love.”
I have learned that Love is already in me and that I need only to extend it outward. Going back to my perspective on Love as an action for a moment — that is the action: extending what is there already inside of me. As M. Scott Peck defines it, love is an act of will for the benefit of another. What a fuckin’ revelation.
Love is the most sacred mantra you can ever chant, for Love is the Divine and you could never know one without the other. Integrated, you could never again be unaware of love and Love would never fail to recognize you. And in this recognition, you will live in grace because grace is the acceptance of Love within a world full of too much hate and fear. In Love you will find gratitude because gratitude is the ring bearer of Love. Where there is one the other must be found.
Love laughs at the childish foolishness of my defenses for that is what they are — scripts probably written generations ago against an imaginary monster. Love demands we lay down all our weapons. Love without trust is impossible. People always ask me about my motivation. I guess my aim is to offer an example of remembrance — a reminder of who and what we really are — to emphasize that there is no difference between your essence and Love.
This is so powerful that if all you did today was catch a glimpse of that remembrance you will have advanced on your path in an immeasurable way. Seek the Love in you, and you will see it everywhere because it is everywhere.
My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…