I think we need more stuff like this:
You know the drill: if it’s Friday, it’s all about sex…
Intimacy & Relationships
Ahhhhh… Intimacy, the brass ring of coupling.
I’m going to be confrontational today and say right off the bat that most people wouldn’t know true intimacy even if it bit them on the ass. In fact, most people don’t want genuine intimacy, they want their needs met; that’s a horse of a different color, folks.
And I say this fully aware that I am a man writing about intimacy in a sexual context and that many women would perceive that as an impossible situation. LOL! In addition, I don’t even own a cat and probably have no business pontificating about relationships in the first place.
However, I have found that what people term intimacy is in actuality a distorted (perverted?) notion of genuine intimacy. Contrary to the stereotype, men have no monopoly on the fear of intimacy. Women also fear intimacy, though perhaps in different ways than men. The same goes for emotions. Contrary to popular belief, women aren’t more emotionally aware than men, they just [mis]handle them differently. Emotional indulgence, just as its opposite — emotional aversion — does not equal emotional intelligence.
I have been mostly single by choice for about 15-16 years. This is a conscious choice, not an accident. I am not “between relationships.” This is part of who I am — I am single. Many people don’t get this. They see it as “You’re-single-until-the-next-relationship… ” kinda/ sorta thingee. After all, it isn’t normal to not be in a relationship. The whole reason for existence is to hook up, no?
I’ll tell you why I am single, or at least part of the reason why I’m single. I am single because I have yet to meet someone who’s willing to be truly intimate. Women tell me all the time they want intimacy but what they really mean is that they have needs and I have to fulfill those needs somehow and when I do fulfill those needs that means we’re “intimate.” Of course, they don’t phrase in that way, but that’s what they mean. Seriously.
Most people don’t even have a relationship with themselves to begin with. The search for the elusive “The One” is scary in this context. Do people even realize the amount of pressure we put on romantic relationships these days? It’s as if I have to fulfill this vast range of roles and make you happy to boot! Lover, husband, father, mentor, mentee, soul mate, financial advisor, therapist, and counselor — the list goes on and on.
Is it no small surprise that many relationships crash and burn? I think the first thing we need to look at is realistic expectations — what we call in psychology reality testing. I do not want to, nor can I, make you happy. If you’re not happy to begin with, I damn sure cannot take you there. Nor do I want that responsibility even if I could pull off that miracle. I don’t want to be your all or your everything, that shit is fucking crazy and scary. Just thinking about that takes away any motivation I have to commit to a relationship. Please, go find Daddy somewhere else. I ain’t it. Unless, of course, if I’m pulling your hair and smacking your ass while you’re screaming my name, then I’m your daddy. Oooops…
Which brings me back to intimacy in relationships. People are always crying about the loss of spontaneity and intimacy in relationships. I know I’m going to burst some bubbles here but I’m going to say flat out that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, Snow White was a fairy tale, and intimacy takes work.
I’m being honest here ladies, when I say that I don’t care how physically attractive you are, after 2-3 years of steady being in a relationship, you will occasionally be considered a chore and not a pleasure. I will be sitting with a friend somewhere and he’ll ask me if I can go to the game with him and I’ll turn to him with a look of resignation on my face and tell him, “I can’t man, I gotta go home and fuck the wife.” Any man who tells you different is a fucking liar.
Spontaneity and intimacy — true intimacy — takes work and risking all there is in that pretty heart of yours. It takes practice, lots of practice. If you think that I will find having sex with you an attractive prospect after watching you scream insanely at the children, or nagging me to fix the fucking fence, then you done lost your mind. Don’t’ get me wrong I’m sure you’re struggling just as hard with any attraction for me when my idea of funny is farting and putting you in a headlock.
So, intimacy is work. It’s about risking it all and being vulnerable in profoundly scary ways. By the way, intimate sex is not the only form of sex and can get very boring very quickly. Sometimes — in fact, a lot of the time — you have to fuck. In any case, healthy sexuality begins with understanding and accepting yourself, your body, and sensual and sexual aspects of yourself. There are two powerful negative teachings about sex we all internalize to some degree. The first is that sex is bad; exciting, but bad. Sex is good only in the context of marriage or an “intimate” relationship. The second is that sex is exclusively about intercourse.
We here in the [un]Common Sense blog believe that sex is one of the good or even great things in life and sexuality is an integral — even spiritual — part of being a person. Sexuality, at least for me, includes everything from the flirtatious glance to a gentle caress, from passionate, even violent, intercourse, to loving and tender afterplay.
The real psychologically healthy question then is how to express sexuality so that it enhances your self-esteem, deepens your ability to be genuinely intimate, and increases satisfaction in your intimate relationship.
My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…