I made a promise to post at least one entry on my blog every day. Sometimes, that isn’t so easy.
I wrote the following, I guess, because I need to remind myself about what really matters. If you are reading this, I hope it serves some good purpose. If you find anything useful here, please consider supporting my efforts.
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The journey itself is home…
My situation has gotten worse, believe it or not, and it is often during challenging times that it is hardest to maintain principles. I flip the script here and submit that it is when things are at their worst that we most need to remain true to our authentic selves. So here goes…
Sometimes, when I look at how far I may have strayed from the kind of person I want to be, I am overwhelmed by how far I have to go to pick of the pieces and get back on track. Perhaps for the first time in a while I see clearly how unfair I was or how much I hurt myself and my loved ones. Just maybe I see more clearly the power ineffective patterns have had over my life and how much I have missed as a result. Or perhaps, life can be really unfair at times. LOL But as my father once said, “You want fair, go to kindergarten.”
More importantly I am reminded that it is at this time that I become most ready to do the work of becoming a more integrated human being. What is probably most helpful at these times is for me to remember that tired cliché that life is a journey not a race, or the path is the goal. One thing I know for sure is that the past is a memory and the future is but a fantasy. Yet, if I look closely, I might be spending too much time lamenting past mistakes or wishing for a better future. Life is like a dance: the importance is in the dance itself, not reaching the end of the song.
One day I had what I now call a “spiritual awakening.” No, there weren’t any angels, no God-in-the-sky tapping me on the shoulder or striking me blind. No burning bushes or lightning. In fact, it took place in a cage at a police precinct. That first awakening (my life, it seems, has become a series of awakenings) was mostly a bargain basement affair that occurred at the darkest, most desperate time of my life. Essentially, that first awakening was about coming to terms with utter, hopeless defeat. I think people do not appreciate defeat or the loss of hope enough and that is unfortunate. You see, it is during those times when we most can open up to a new way of seeing things. At least it was for me. Since that time, with a lot of help from many different people, and many more awakenings (some rude), I have been able to pick up most of the pieces of the wreckage of my life.
Throughout my ongoing journey there were times when it seemed that the distance was too long — almost impossible. But I learned to put one foot in front of another, one day at a time (sometimes one breath at a time) and when things seemed really bleak, I used the power of a support network — men and women who were there for me and gave me what I needed and not what I wanted. More importantly, these are people who love me because of my character defects. I decided I wanted a gentle path. I learned that the important thing was to stay on my journey and to allow things to unfold on their own. You put in the work long enough… shit happens. Good or bad.
If I look back I can say “I” (meaning the “I” encompassing my family, friends, and community) have come a long way since that dreadful time almost 26 years ago. What I have learned is that if I’m on a positive and spiritual direction, that I have a good part of my journey behind me. The lesson here being that once I start, outside the door, I am already progressing. And I will continue to progress if I remember that it is the reward of the journey itself that I seek, not merely the destination.
Wish me luck. I certainly hope your journey is long and slow.
My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…