The Friday Sex Blog [Goal-oriented Sex]

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It’s Friday and it’s the sex blog!

The Dangers of Goal Oriented Sex

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In our consumer-based society, sex oftentimes resembles a contest. If there ever was a metaphor we need to do away with it has to be the “war” of the sexes. In a zero-sum society, where the mentality of “winner takes all” rules, it’s no wonder that sex resembles a race or competition. It seems that more liberated we become, the more obsessed we are about who can have the most intense orgasm, which is the best oral technique, who has the most attention, who can be the most alluring, or have the most men or women. It’s all a mess!

Tragically, this mindset is also at the root of rape culture. Men are taught to view sex as a game of conquest resulting in rates of rape and sexual assaults in our college campuses that is epidemic in its scope. On the other side, women are conditioned to dislike their bodies (in the race to be a size zero) and that their sex is a prize to be won. Sex is used to sell everything from shoes to cars and objectification is the name of the game.

It’s absolutely mindboggling.

As a consequence, sex is something people do mindlessly, often in the darkened corridors of their shame.

My question today is what would happen to the simple of act of touching, for example, if we took away the agenda of a goal-oriented mindset away from it? What if your lover simply touched you?

What would it feel like if your lover simply bathed you with no expectation of sex? Imagine being caressed for a long period of time, being bathed, towel-dried, massaged, pampered, touched, looked at, explored sensuously, lovingly, intimately — without sex being the endgame? What would that do to your comfortability with intimacy, touch, and nudity — to have your lover drink in your body with his or her eyes like that? Just for the sake of looking?

The first casualty of long-term relationships is often the loss of sexual expression in the form of excitement, playfulness, spontaneity, and seductive touching. Perhaps we all need a re-orienting toward pleasurable sensual feelings. Without sensuality there is no real sex, and without sex, there’s no genuine intimacy. Emphasizing a creative-type exploration, in a relaxed, non-goal oriented manner, the sensual pleasure you can derive from touching and being touched, is a sure-fire path to sexual healing or re-awakening.

Lovers develop assumptions (often based on faulty perceptions) and fall into ruts, creating awkwardness toward asking for a different type of touching. Perhaps it is time that we stop, reflect, and find creative, kind, and loving ways to experience sex with one another that’s authentically pleasurable and sacred.

My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…

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