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People sometimes ask me, Why are you single? LOL There isn’t a simple answer to that, though complications never stopped me from attempting anything. So! Here goes…
The Single Life
(Or: The Man Your Mother Warned You About)
Let me clarify right off the bat that I’m not attempting to justify or defend my “singledom.” I am single mostly because it is how I choose to live — it’s a conscious lifestyle choice. Contrary to conventional wisdom, there are many, many advantages to being single.
A little history… I’ve been single for most of my adult life primarily because I never viewed being in a committed relationship as a priority. I didn’t grow up idealizing the conventional wife-2.5-kids-house-picket-fence thingee. And yes, I liked to have fun and during my earlier years attempted to have as many sexual and casual relational experiences as possible. I am only making an observation when I state that I have experienced a lot. More than the norm. One friend found my experiences so unusual, she accused me of reading too many Penthouse letters.
So strike off at least 20 years to simply being a slut — mostly. Not a “player.” I was never a player. I am too introspective or conscientious for that. I am not so cruel that I would intentionally hurt others in my quest for gratification. More accurately, I was a hedonist with philosophical tendencies. (I’m having fun here, but I suspect there will be a price to pay for all this fuckery.)
So! That’s how or why I was single for most of my adult life. But why am I single now, you ask?
Well, the reasons are many. I am currently unemployed, so I couldn’t blame you if you observed that being broke is not an attractive look. But I was single when employed and earning a decent wage. So it can’t be that.
Whatever the case, one reason might be that there’s a large segment of women who will have nothing to do with me because of my past. I am a man with a past and “bohemian” doesn’t even begin to describe it. I’ve been many things at different times in my life, many of them not attractive to the more conventional types (or any normal person, for that matter). As a consequence, my past serves to marginalize me. I’ve been everything from an active addict to (make-believe) pimp, to criminal, to scam artist, to… well, you get the idea. In a way, I am the man your mother warned you about. And no, whatever rumors you may have heard, I have never thought it was cool to fuck my girlfriend in the ass and then leave her. I’m kidding!
I’ve met many women who have balked because of my past. And that’s OK, really. I am open and honest about who and what I was and if you can’t accept that, it really doesn’t pain me. Good luck and before you close the door (gently please), take as your parting gift that ultimate prize — the last word. Summed up, there are women who won’t have much to do with me because I’m the Gangster of Love or some bullshit like that.
I am probably old enough to be your father but my outlook is young in nature. I love to laugh, to flirt, to have fun. I have seen more ugliness than even my tired eyes could ever tell you, but I’m still utterly fascinated and awed by life. I am curious to the point of distraction and I enjoy exploring new ideas and questioning beliefs (yours and mine).
I mention all this because I think these are attributes that are an attraction and a turn-off. For some, my “look” and attitude spell, “Danger” or at the very least immaturity. I’m still the one who will point out the Emperor (or hostess) has no clothes when everybody else knows discretion is the better part of valor. I sometimes get that side-eye look from women. You know that look that says, “You’re trifling… ” or something like that. Women lacking an evolved sense of humor won’t get me. So! There’s also that.
But here’s the primary reason why I’m single. I am single because when I commit, I commit completely and fully, I don’t play around. When I open my heart, there are no conditions.
No ifs, ands, or buts.
I take relationships seriously when I do commit that means getting out of my comfort zone. And I guess if you’re with me the one promise I can make it that there’ll never be a dull moment. And, believe me, that’s not always a good thing.
I’ve met too many women who claim to want intimacy, but whose idea of intimacy is really me doing what they want me to do. Or their idea of intimacy is an intimacy that’s only about holding hands and doing the touchy-feeling thing. To me, that’s not intimacy, it’s a caricature of intimacy. Intimacy, for me at least, is about opening up and becoming fuckin’ vulnerable in a way that’s oftentimes very scary. Intimacy demands complete, utter surrender. No holding back, giving it all even when you’re too afraid. It’s really about taking a huge chance in the face of the overwhelming evidence of past hurt and betrayals. And let me tell you: there aren’t too many willing to be like that and I’m too fuckin’ old to play house.
So there, that’s my story and I am sticking to it!
My name is Eddie and I’m in recovery from civilization…